TRACY GOT BOTCHED
is it kosher to be jelly belly of your hubby wubby ???
Today is a phenomenal day, my pretties…
Our sweet gay Tracy got a TERRIBLE haircut that makes him look like Lea DeLaria from orange is the new black and i’m obsessed.
I squealed in pure joy when i saw him and told him it looks really good, though we both know by really good i mean you got BOTCHED my guy!!!!!
He says “mhm thankssss” in his stupid fake nasally accent that is FAKE as FUCK, looking right past my face to let me know he still hates me in the most dramatic unbothered heteroshit chauvinism way that he can muster.
I give him a deadpan smile looking straight into his blackhole evil eyes and then ask Emily what she thinks so he knows i still hate him too.
“IT SCARY. SO BAD! NO ONE LIKE!”
I told you she’s perfect.
Adorable little monsters, aren’t we?!
THEN in a flash i am GONE… lost in ugly his lesbian haircut picturing us dropped into a timeline where the Plaza has become Litchfield Penitentiary and we are in a bang off contest and he’s Big Boo and i’m Nicky Nicholas and i tell everyone in the building he has crabs and all the old rich tiny japanese women run amok and i feel very proud of my imagination for gifting me this disgusting intrusive thought before remembering i forgot how much i love Natasha Lyonne and really need to finish Russian Doll.
Anywayz, i have news about the husband.
He has gotten a job offer for the exact job he wanted at a whopping $6 an hour higher than he hoped for!!! It’s truly astonishing how the world spins effortlessly in his favor.
2 days ago he went golfing with guys from the ER who have super aggressive sporty names like Travis and Chase. By the end of the front 9 (and conservatively prob like 3-100 beers) Trav was like yooo i can get you a second job with $$$ and the husband was like yooo T baby, talk dirty to me and then Chase was like call this Guy and say honeybaby72xox sent you so i can get the $1000 thank you check in the mail and then he’s gonna get you hooked up at my hook up *wink* *wink* 1
Funny how recruiter talk always ends up sounding much like leave the gun, take the cannoli lol
So anywayz, like i was saying, the husband texts that Guy before bed and by 6am the next morning Mr. Guy called him and asked lots of flirty cute important questions about real life things, where the husband then got to pop his doctor shit and LOAD his plate from an imperial-sushi-all-you-can-eat-chinese-buffet-steakhouse (+ side of fries with parm import from parma). By 11am (i kid you not), he had a job offer in his inbox at the exact place he wanted to work with a solid compensation for a job he hadn’t even applied to yet all while making his new bestie Travis a G.
And that’s his life! Rinse and repeat.
Listen, if you’re gonna be reading here quite often, i need you to know that you should skip over almost everything i write except what i share about the husband… he is unjustly good at doing life (especially considering life has not always been so good to him) and there is this weird kind of knowledge you will acquire by reading his orbit.
It’s quite magical to witness, really. Like i’m not even kidding i for real sometimes look at him talk and am like he’s Obama.
The husband has an exceptional talent for unwittingly being exactly the right person for almost every room he walks into (with the exception of that room being an at home birth, his medical brain can’t compute).
From military trainings… sound baths… gay bars… pickle ball tournaments… beers with my girls from fashion school… singing at open mic nights… officiating at my jewish mom and bonus dad’s wedding confidently saying jewish words while being literally 0% jewish… etc.
Somehow he has a very human yet charming way of becoming something to everyone.
Like that one time at my friend’s wedding he ended up standing next to this guy who everyone knows to be a giant dickhead and so i was like “babe that guy is a giant dickhead.” So naturally, the husband starts making light sport talk and jokes with lil dicky but while also low key dropping big fancy words + obscure stats but in a chill way that was not enough to embarrass the guy but also just cunty enough to let him know the husband could be an even BIGGER dick if need be. Legit like 20 min later (not even kidding) sir dicks-a-lot had basically spent the rest of the night trying to S the husband’s D.
It was spectacular.
Which brings us to today’s problem… i married him.
Which i did not fully realize until much later after we eloped in a fedex that would mean sleeping next to mr. wonderful and all his glory every night for the rest of my nights!!!
Which okay yeah. That’s cool and great and all because he is my absolute favorite person (obviously) BUT that means he is also a huge pain my ass… because if he could become like 17% more mediocre i could feel 75% better about my own mediocrity!!!
Like i actually have to do things now, which is how i have recently discovered how subpar i am at said things. It seems “doing your best” is only not totally demoralizing for the first year when your husband literally saves people from dying in the back of a plane between hospitals and comes home to make you lobster and steak and then you’re like “i have cheese.”
This has been especially irritating to me as of late because rejection keeps piling and time keeps flying.
I have applied to hundreds (HUNDREDSSSS) of jobs over the past 3 years and have gotten rejected or (worse) ghosted from all of them.
INCLUDING YOU Substack FOR BEING THE BIGGEST GHOSTER OF THEM ALL BECAUSE YOU’RE TOOOO BUSY WITH YOUR COOL LENA DUNHAM BOOK LAUNCHES AND WEIRD ASS BATHHOUSE PANEL PROMOS TO KILL A DREAMER’S DREAM WITH DIGNITY WHILE ALSO TAKING 10% OF HER BREADCRUMB PAID SUBSCRIPTIONS TO FUND THE VERY PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THEIR JOB AND REJECTING LITERALLY THE COOLEST PRETTIEST PERSON EVER (ME) BUT DON’T BECAUSE OOOLALA LENA IN A BATHHOUSE HOW COOL ARE YOU?! (but also like whatever you suck and ily)
And THUS, i remain a modern day woke trad wife by day and an aspiring substack celebrity by night though those two often feel indistinguishable when you’re not getting paid.
Anywayz, stay with me here. Because regardless if you find yourself in a situation that is as deliciously stupid as mine, there will come a day where you catch yourself thinking like a bitter bitch over remarkable trivial stuff.
(source: me, currently - see above)
Sooner or later life will do what it does and someone you love will get something you want or has something you don’t or cartwheels through doors that keep slamming you in the face.
And for a moment that won’t feel good. And you won’t feel generous.
Which, inevitably will feel embarrassing. Because being bitter toward someone who has done nothing wrong and deserves to be happy only makes you more bitter towards yourself.
Then angry.
Then sad.
Then dumb.
A bruised ego in the face of love is one of the more humiliating conditions of being human.
If this has never felt true to you then COOL BEANS KAREN YOU WAY MORE EVOLVED THAN THE REST OF US and your friends are prob boring as hell (which in that case, i’d personally suggest surrounding yourself with people doing things way cooler than you and let it water down your drink every once in a while - it’s good 4 u!!)
You see my pretties, to adore and to envy through the same gaze is to witness something fabulously shitty about being human… the heart is not a civilized place.
It acts as a country without democracy… there is no such thing as equality in emotion. You don’t just get to just pick one feeling and toss the others so only the shiniest one remains. Emotions will pile on top of each other again and again until the day we die.
There’s this quote i like from Dostoevsky in The Brothers Karamazov… “the more i love mankind as a whole the less i love man in particular.”
It’s so on the nose, right? Because the problem is never with the person we love but with the story we tell ourselves about love. There is a real big fucking difference between people loving the idea of love and people and actually loving actual people.
I think loving the idea of love is a just a fruity little way to avoid intimacy. To love someone fully is to truly reckon with yourself through the mirrors others hold. And that is very VERY humbling <3333
For me the husband’s success will always reveal the truth of my own hunger to achieve. Which, i find both very annoying and very necessary for my own growth.
The clearer i see what i’m not, the more i listen to the instinct that naturally rises first.
Oddly enough though, something that keeps surprising me about this kind of love is the span of her arms… how much of us she can hold at once. Envy as admiration, embarrassment as devotion… all the endless multitudes of feeeelings happening at once.
It’s dizzying.
But i fear the act of love without embracing its complexities would be a great tragedy. A boring sterile waste of the human experience.
So no, i don’t care to stand on the moral high ground of pretending i never want what others have or that i am only ever happy for others when sometimes i do feel sad for myself.
That is a fainthearted way to move through life.
I rather be dumb again and again and again until it makes me smart enough to know that in the end, we’re all big idiots and nothing matters except for the things that matter.2
literally the wink is just for dramatic effect i don’t even know what i mean by that either HA
this super high guy i had a crush on said this to me once and because i was also super high i thought this was bible and now when i’m not super high i still do
Omg exquisite piece! Backatitagainwiththewhitevanss (aka killer substack essays).
the envy as admiration, embarrassment as devotion was both poetic and resonated with me.
AND, I'd like to remind you that once Barack joked to Michelle when they were at a restaurant and discovered her ex was the owner, “So if you married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant” and Michelle replied, “No, if i married him, he would now be the President”.
And that's on period. And while I'm sure the hubby wubby is impressive and phenomenonal, YOU help make him these things and he would not be able to accomplish what he does without the woke trade wife of his dreams beside him.
And I could also go on a tangent about how white men being successful in a patriarchy, is not quite as impressive as it seems because the system is designed by and for them. But don't hate the player, hate the game. So I'll just mention it briefly ;)
First of all, sending you a big hug. Second of all, I'm so glad I read this in the exact moment of time I did.
I'm in a pretty similar boat rn. My man is god damn charming and admirable in his quiet but gets shit done way. He's loved at work. He's loved among friends. One of my most wholesome memories with my family was when he met my aunt who barely speaks English. Obvs there was a communication barrier. But my sweet auntie pulls me aside and tells me she wants to talk to me about Jamie. I'm like 😰. But then she tells me, "he's such a good man! I know I can't really communicate with him but actions speak louder than words, and his actions have all said a lot about his character. Congrats, you picked a good one."
And I'm also in a weird work slump right now. So I totally get it! It's tough. I wish I was doing more. But at the end of the day, I know he sees things in me that I probably don't and I'm sure it's the same for you and your husband. And you're spot on with that last sentence! 💕