boobs.com
four seasons fuckery and aunt bethany's exorcism ♡
It’s 5:54am and I am no longer the woman I used to be.
Today I am user41 on boobs.com staring down pussycupcake with her 3 dildos, possessed by the innocent wonder of a 13 year old boy who has just discovered both the internet and Katie KATY Perry’s boobs all at once.
Listen, this is not how I thought my morning was gonna start either… but people change!
Perhaps this is just a side effect of 2 nights at the Four Seasons, floating on 13 miles of Larry Ellison’s BDE.
Let me explain.
It all began with a Smoke 24 and unwelcomed aioli.
Will (one of the husband’s friends from work) invited us to Lānaʻi with a few of his residency buddies for an overnight. Now, if you go to the pineapple island that is Lānaʻi you’ll prob stay at one of two resorts: the Four Seasons or Sensei. Both are gorg and owned by the billionaire Larry Ellison along with 98% of the island.
It’s like Hawaiʻi’s version of Hollywood but where Hollywood people go when they need a break from Hollywood but not being rich.
Now, if you stay at either resort your flight is included in the hotel fee (dope) and they send a little plane over to pick you and your friends up from Honolulu at any time that you want (super dope).
You don’t have to go through TSA and the mini airport lounge is private and stacked with free coconut water and macadamias and fancy bidets. The plane ride is only 25 min and the view of the pacific is so bright and blue it looks otherworldly.
Once you land in Lānaʻi the Four Seasons will send a car for you and your bags and you never see them again until they magically appear in your room!!! The whole thing is so seamless and rich that it feels like you’re under hypnosis. The employees learn your face and name so fast that it becomes very easy to mistake 24 hours for real life.
After checking in we headed straight to Malibu Farm for some yummy yums and mezcal, naturally. I skipped food because I had a body scrub scheduled at 2pm and didn’t want to be naked and bloated… naked and drunk HOWEVERRRRR is super fine with me.
The scrub involved seaweed from Patagonia and “the best salt from all over the world!” When I asked mi scrubber where exactly “in the world” she said “everywhere!!” So whole foods.
Anyway, if you’re sunburned do not get a body scrub.Your legs will feel eaten alive by fire ants and you will spend the rest of the day walking around with the crooked gait of a woman trying to hide her UTI. Yeah.
Anyway, Allen and Jess, were running late to lunch because they have a 2 year old so the details don’t matter much.
Allen is Will’s bff from med school and Jess is his wife and they are from savannah. The vibe of Jess is warm southern charm where every sentence sounds super friendly but also like she secretly hates you and Allen is very Allen. He is khaki in every conceivable way. His voice is flat and his energy gives the background character from the office. They’re lovely.
So Will decided to be a cutie pie and order lunch for Allen so it was hot when he sat down. He got him same thing that both him and the husband ordered… a chicken sandwich on brioche with all the works and a side of fries.
15 minutes later, enter Allen: “who ordered for me???”
No “hey” “hello” “thanks man let’s party”, just straight chicken sandwich investigation. He looks at Will in pure DISGUST as if he’d backed over the family cat or something.
Will, blessed with the beautiful disadvantage of naivety raised his hand and said with full joy “me!”
This is when we all found out that ALLEN HATES AIOLI. HATESSSS IT!!!
Like so much he took this as a personal offense which was super uncomfy because this was our first time meeting Allen so we had no context and couldn’t tell if this was a joke or war.
Because I was on my second Smoke 24 I decided it was my personal responsibility to heal the table by throwing up the gen z heart hands and going “in the club we all fam!”
Aioli did not like that.
Anyway, the boys golfed. The girls laid. I mostly did my own thing because my rich bitch vacation personality was wealthy-childless-stay-at-home-wife / one smoke 24-away from getting pregnant.
In other words, couldn’t stomach the small talk.
SO about 4pm I ran into Amy (Will’s wife) in the lobby. I’ve met her twice before but still wasn’t super sure whether she liked me or not SO I took it upon myself to find out in the most efficient and potentially offputting way possible… “hey girl wanna get more drunk and do mushrooms??”
And she was like fuck yeah. Confirmation: obsessed.
So we popped that chocolate amuse bouche and were like HOT TUB (?!?!?) then sent the husbands on errands while we gossiped. Will to fetch 4 espresso martinis and the husband to procure me a new bikini and sarong for the occasion.
We all met in the hot tub 10 min later. And there is this large bald man in his 60s marinating in the bubbles while his cutie rat chihuahua lounged on the ledge beside him like a god damn king.
And so we waddle into the tub like giggly drunk college kids on spring break. The husbands were giving frat boy energy (mine especially with his backwards hat that hits some deep americana friday night lights bone in my body I DIEEEEE) and the wives hanging on them like desperate horny little tri deltas. It was so fun, so 22.
ANYWAYZ the husband looks at baldy and goes “you look rich as fuck man teach me your ways” and he’s like “cash flow.”
So then we leave the tub with our newfound rich people knowledge and I notice the husband has acquired a new accessory… a tiny white towel? I go “ babe whose is that” and he goes “Mike’s” (Mike being baldy) and then gives me a sassy little blue steel wink and goes “now that’s cash flow baby.” I chose not to investigate further.
We wondered through the never ending maze of hallways with Mike White eyes and finally found our room after dropping off Will and Amy at theirs so we could drink more and toss grapes into each other’s mouth.
Pause: at this point I realized the husbands were developing a male friendship with Heated Rivalry undertones and it made me feel very proud. I just love watching the husband love on his friends and them love on him back. It’s adorable! Like if the husband was like I’m gay now and I would be like okay slay babe but Will or bust.
So anyway we got back to our room and had very VERY not gay sex. I promised the husband that I would wait to publish the details of our sex life until I write the novel BUT let me just tell you that I was slut. That lucky fuck.
GUYS IT WAS SO GOOD THOUGH!!! And cosplaying rich at the Four Seasons made it feel way more steamy, you know? Like mid ooolala I was like OMG I GET PORN NOW. LIKE THIS IS WHY PEOPLE BECOME PORNSTARS. BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME AND GETTING PAID LOTS OF MONEY FOR IT WOULD BE EVEN MORE AWESOMER.
So then I’m like let’s do it again and he’s like Nobu and I’m like crispy rice. Bet.
So with wet hair and the glow of glorious sex that lasted 20 minutes but felt like hours we prance downstairs holding hands.
At one point I stopped to fix the straps on my heels and the husband bent down to do it for me and I remember thinking I can’t believe he’s mine.
That I get to do this life him until the day I die.
And that I get to explore this magical island with the person that I absolutely adore the most who adores me back 10x more and that together we’ll spend the rest of our lives building worlds within a little universe of our own.
I look down at him trying to figure out how to tie these stupid straps and am so overwhelmed I begin to cry. Because I am so impossibly lucky and this feeling is too big for my little body to contain.
I wipe my tears before he rose from his bent knee, having fixed my unraveled strapy mess the same way he fixes everything in our life. He gives me a kiss, tucked a loose piece of hair behind my ear, then grabs my hand and we start running because we are SOOOOO fucking late for dinner.
Mid run we bumped into Will and Amy who were also late and sprinting to dinner and in that moment I knew we were vacation friends for life.
We walk into Nobu and I lead the pack to the hostess because I’m me.
She brings us to the table and I immediately initiated a photoshoot because Amy in her silk dress looked too beautiful under the Sagittarius full moon not to. I hand our phones to the husbands and they are being actual idiots and taking the worst photos ever like ew. But it doesn’t matter because I’ll train them later.
This moment was for the girls. Every girl I had ever been and every girl I had yet to become and all the other girls inside those girls. The photoshoot was for US.
So then Aioli and Jess arrived carrying two glasses of chardonnay they’d smuggled from the room (vibe) and then they’re like ugh noooo photos boooo and I’m like NOPE absolutely not. You’re hot get in here mama lemme get your good side.
She rolls her eyes and walks towards the backdrop. Though I can’t yet relate, in one passing look I saw a future version of myself in her. The exhausted wife who spent all day keeping a small human alive while the husband fucked off to golf and drink beers and is in desperate need of a night that reminds her of her old self. The one with the tight pre-baby body and newlywed glow and enough free time to fuck in the shower.
So I made her get in the picture.
Because she looked beautiful and deserved to be reminded of the absolute MILF she’d become. And selfishly because one day I’ll be standing exactly where she is pretending I don’t want my photo taken and I hope somebody ignores me.
I showed her the pic and she smiled. But then she went back to being a bitch so I decided to be one too. Lol.
Anyway here is where the BOOOOBS COME INTO PLAY!!! Boobie play!!! I know you’ve been waiting for this moment because #titties.
Gathered around a giant round table, we drank and laughed and ordered an shit ton of sushi and steaks that you have to grill yourself on hot stones with chopsticks.
The salt air brushed the back of my neck and in that moment I remembered that I’m tan as fuck living in hawaii and am in stupid love with the husband and our life and for the first time in a long time I am in love with my fucking self and I can’t believe I am doing this here right now and that I can with full presence because my queer yoga bff who doesn’t shave her armpits or legs and rocks it off with the confidence of a woke dominatrix baddie is at our cozy apartment watching Auggie and Basil and being auntie of the year and just incase she decide to kidnap the dogs and run to the ridges we have Emily. And Emily protects us at all costs.
And I know these moments are fleeting and that tomorrow the sun will come up and the husband will realize that I booked us another night at the Four Seasons without asking the price and his face will go numb and he’ll break out the calculator again and real life will return as it always does.
But tomorrow isn’t tonight and tonight life is perfect.
I look up at the full moon and think about astrology because tonight I like my horoscope and I smile to the stars because I know a new quantum leap has just begun and no one at this table knows it yet but me.
So I sit a bit straighter and sip my lychee martini with the seduction of knowing that I am now someone who is standing at the beginning of something. And then I think about the girl who hated herself and used to wipe down sticky tables in a gross mini skirt after closing shifts at the bar in TRAMPa and had no idea that life would lead her to this moment and I close my eyes real tight and thank the god I only believe in sometimes for all the magic and bullshit that came between because I wouldn’t trade it for a damn thing.
Then I say one last little prayer that I never get so rich I stop feeling the thrill of nights like this but just rich enough to keep having them in super cute clothes and tap back into the convo with some serious questions because I hear Will in say…
“I was just a 13 year old boy who liked boobs so obviously I went on boobs.com but then I did it like a lot and so my mom called t-mobile to find out why the bill was so expensive and they’re like boob.com“
SO then get this… his mom took him to the priest to preform an actual EXORCISM and he’s like I told the priest that I’m fine I just like boobs and the priest then whispered in his ear I understand I have a drinking problem and then sits Will’s mom down to let her know her son had a boob addiction and he cured him by exorcism and holy water. But then a few weeks later his mom found more boobs and tried to go back to the priest for more exorcism the priest was in REHAB. Thus, the second exorcism never happened.
And I am like bro keep talking because I can’t wait to tell the pretties this shit but then fucking Aioli interrupts our flow with an “I have a story!” and I’m like “this better be good Aioli” and he’s like “my grandma was an exorcist” and I’m like “tell me more.”
Apparently she used to go into people’s homes and make lots of money by literally exorcising their demons which was a career that began after she became convinced Aunt Bethany had been resurrected as a Native American baby because the 1 year old babble was very “Navajo.” She was later diagnosed with bipolar.
And I was like “alright Aioli that was fucking good. You’re the man. The husband and I would now like to be godparents of your child sleeping upstairs.”
And then aioli laughed in his weird flat beige way and paid for everything.
After closing with a sambuca and espresso at the bar, we order more wine and headed down to the beach. Amy, Jess, and I sat off to the side talking about life, love, and the pursuit of slaying dragons then danced to glass animals while the husbands rolled around in the sand laughing and speaking gibberish under the moon.
Nothing made sense for the rest of the night except the moon and the fact that everything was perfect and this was the best night of my life.
So yeah anywayz this morning I googled boobs.com to see what the fuss was all about and that’s when pussycupcake and I found love in a hopeless place.
Will was right.
I plan to continue supporting her work.
One of my favorite parts of this story, is that his name became Aioli 🤣